This September is 9 years since I picked up a ukulele for the first time. Before that, I had mostly given up on music for over 10 years.
In this month's Livestream, I will be sharing a little more about why I gave up on music and will play some of the songs that have been important throughout my journey of reconnecting with music.
I am also including part of the story in this blog post, because I can express my thoughts more clearly in writing than in a livestream. :)
I hope it inspires you. 💗
Why did I decide to play the ukulele?
It was by chance, really.
In 2015, I was living in Queens with a (now ex) boyfriend. He had bought a ukulele for himself, and since it was in the apartment, I was inspired to pick it up and learn how to play.
Before that, I had completely given up on the prospect of pursuing music for many years.
I had deeply internalized an inner dialogue that said, "You're not a real singer/musician. You're not good enough. The people who tell you that you're good are just being nice to you so they don't hurt your feelings."
How did I internalize that dialogue?
There are many reasons why and it's way too much to explain in this blog post, haha, but here is part of the story...
The abridged version: My family had a lot of musical people in it who were very talented. And when I compared myself to them growing up, especially my very musical sister, I just never felt good enough.
I loved music as a kid. I was always singing along to my dad's mix tapes of songs from the 1950s and 1960s (that's why I play so many songs from that time period).
I took piano lessons for a few years, but I gave up pretty early. We had two piano-playing prodigies in our family, and since it didn't seem to come to me as easily as it did to them, I decided it was pointless to even try.
I learned how to play the baritone horn and the tuba in middle school and high school. I was okay but not great, and again, because I felt I wasn't a "prodigy" I decided it was pointless to even try.
I had a music teacher in high school, Mr. Bauer, who was very supportive of my voice and my ability to hear music. I was grateful for him, but once I got to college and his encouragement was gone, I quickly succumbed to my inner critic and depression.
I had various intense experiences in high school that fueled the flame of my tendency to be apathetic not just toward music, but toward life in general. Between the ages of 10-16, 5 major people in my life passed away, our family summer house burned down, and I was also diagnosed with scoliosis and a thyroid disorder.
(There were other underlying emotional issues from earlier family trauma that are too much to include in this post. The basic gist is that I was processing too much and didn't have the tools I needed to move through it in a healthy way, so I became anxious and depressed.)
In the 10+ years of succumbing to self-criticism, anxiety, and depression, there was always a part of me that wanted to be singing. The desire never went away, I just didn't know how to overcome the "you're not a real singer/musician" voice.
When the ukulele appeared, it was this sweet little unassuming instrument. I naturally started to sing along to the three songs I was able to play.
At first, I only sang when I was alone in the apartment. I was very scared of being heard and judged by others; I was scared others would judge me as harshly as I judged myself.
A little over a year after picking up the ukulele (October 2016), I shared the first video of myself singing and playing. I turned the screen down during it, because I was too scared to sing while a camera was on me.
The response to that video was incredibly supportive and encouraging, but it did not remove my fear of being judged/not being good enough.
I continued to have to grown and expand beyond the "you're not a real singer/musician" inner dialogue for many years. Yoga, mediation, and self-reflection played an integral role in rewriting that dialogue.
That insecure voice still gets triggered on occasion, but I am armed with much more self-confidence and a new inner dialogue that soothes that wounded part of myself. I continue to work on strengthening the supportive voices in my mind every day.
There is much more to this story, of course, but that's enough for this post.
If I could go back in time, I would tell my younger self to never give up on music. I would tell her it's not about being the "best," it's about having fun and enjoying the process of learning and expanding. I'd also give her a hug and let her know she's amazing.
In some ways, that long break from music served a purpose, because it makes me even more grateful for the gift of making music now. That break inspired me to not waste any more of my precious time on this planet.
Now I devote myself to cultivating as many skills as possible, not just music... and I hope to inspire others to do the same. I think that learning and cultivating skills is one of the greatest gifts we have in life.
If you have given up on a creative endeavor of any kind, I hope my story inspires you and reminds you that it’s never too late to pursue any dream.
You don't have to pursue just one dream, follow the calling of your curiosity - learn all of the things you're inspired to learn!
Remember that it's okay to be a beginner. We all have to start somewhere, and we are better off starting than not.
It's okay to feel awkward, it's okay to sometimes feel discouraged, it's okay to feel scared... but just keep going. Keep following the calling of your heart no matter what.
Our time on the planet is brief. We might as well spend it doing things that inspire us. And if we can inspire others along the way, too, even better.
Our hearts are much happier when we are actively creating, learning, and growing.
Wishing you much love and joy,
Laura
A few inspiring quotes about it never being too late to pursue any dream:
“You can learn new things at any time in your life if you’re willing to be a beginner. If you actually learn to like being a beginner, the whole world opens up to you.”
– Barbara Shur
“It’s never too late to become who you want to be. I hope you live a life that you’re proud of, and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start over.”
– F. Scott Fitzgerald
“You are never too old to start over.
Every day is a chance to make changes to create the life we want.”
– Karon Waddell
May you always feel the LOVE that surrounds you.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
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